I'm not sure if it's because I'm now 31 or because I'm now a parent, but I've come to a place where I feel like I'm redefining who I am and what I am about. The goals I've been pursuing for the last 10+ years I am no longer actively pursuing. The realization has been weighing on me for a couple of months now. So, the question, then, is where do I go from here? If the things I wanted before no longer hold the appeal they did, or at least not enough appeal to put forth the effort to pursue them, then what should I do? I am a mother now, so that affects my choices and ability to pursue certain things. While I do realize that I could still pursue things like auditioning for professional symphonies, my heart just isn't in it right now. I don't have the motivation to practice for several hours a day, which is what would be necessary to achieve that goal. I have a 19 month old at home, and she is more of a priority. Over the last year, I have been letting my teaching commitments dwindle as people decided to stop taking lessons and I have deliberately not replaced them. I still enjoy playing. I participate in the local symphony and take gigs as they come my way. But, it's not the driving force that it has been for so long.
So, now I am revisiting things that I thought were cool when I was a teenager. I'm writing more. Not always here. And we're talking about traveling again. I have been thinking about all the places I want to go and see and wondered if it would ever happen. Or if I'd have to wait until the kids are grown and gone and we're retired to start living that life.
Michael has been feeling a similar need to redefine. It seems we've both been floating along doing the expected things (more or less), but we're both dissatisfied with that as a life goal. Things have gotten boring, dull, uninspiring in the extreme. We love our daughter and she is a delight, but we must do things other than hang out and watch television. We need to experience life more than that, and so does she.
And so, we've set some goals. I don't want to go into all the details now, but suffice to say that it feels good. We're making plans. We're going to get ourselves in a position to save money so that we can do more of the things we want to do, rather than just making ends meet. I am more firmly rejecting those expectations that do not serve me or fulfill my needs and goals. It feels good. It's exciting and frightening at the same time.
First, we're going to be slimming down the stuff. I look around at all of it and feel weighed down. We know we will be moving at the end of the summer when our lease is up, so now is a good time to start reducing the burden of things. I'm rather dreading the task, in all honesty. I want to have less, but the thought of going through it all and deciding what to sell, donate, or keep is daunting and overwhelming. I get overwhelmed rather easily at times. But, it must be done. I have some things set aside already to be gotten rid of (clothes, mostly), I just need to decide if I want to try to sell or consign them, or just donate them to a thrift store. I should probably just pack them off to the thrift store. Then they'd be out of my house and I wouldn't have to worry about them anymore.
