In two weeks I will be turning 31. I must confess that I'm not where I thought I would be at this point. I don't have a clear picture of exactly what I thought (maybe that's part of the problem), but I can say for sure that this isn't it. For one thing, I expected to have a Master's degree by now. I don't regret not finishing my MA because of the circumstances that led to my dropping out of that program, but, still, it was part of the plan at one point. It was the plan for quite a while, really. But, I am unwilling to return to the program I left, and I'm also unwilling to move somewhere in order to pursue that degree. An online program is out of the question, because music performance programs can't be done that way. So, that's out.
I also thought I would be playing for a symphony that paid by now. But, I'm still playing in a volunteer community orchestra. On the one hand, I'm sad that I haven't accomplished that goal, while on the other hand, the freedom to not worry too much about it is nice at this juncture.
I suppose a fair amount of the tension I feel about where I am versus where I thought I would be is due to the expectation that all the important things must be done, or at least started, before 30. The currently famous concertising violinists are not much older than me, but they've been performing publicly (and getting paid for it), for at least a decade, if not more. That means they started in their early to mid 20s. And I am 31, playing for an unpaid community orchestra and on the verge of shutting down my teaching studio. I barely play outside of rehearsals. I could play more if I put forth the effort, but finding the motivation is difficult, and having a 17 month old who cries when I practice doesn't help.
And that brings me to my next point. Nearly everyone my age has multiple children by now and they're all older than mine. You see, you're supposed to start a family in your early 20s, too. Or, if you don't, at least have a career to show for it. And me? I'm 31 and have barely started. My friends with children the same age as my daughter are several years younger than me and have been married for less than 5 years (put together). I will be celebrating my 10th anniversary in July. It's a bit strange to be the oldest (or one of the oldest), when I've nearly always been one of the youngest.
This has all been on my mind lately as I approach my 31st birthday. I don't regret my choices along the way. I am happy, though it may sound a bit like I'm complaining. I suppose I'm in a transitional season righ now. Maybe I will still complete my Master's in Music or win a position with a professional symphony. At the moment I'm not even pursuing either goal. It's strange because I've been doing one or the other until about a year and a half ago. Maybe in a few years I will resume the pursuit. And maybe I won't. For now I'm focusing on raising my daughter, growing Riverview Naturals, and writing again. I guess the important takeaway is that plans change. Sometimes it's because of your own decisions or because of things that happen to you. Sometimes you let go of long held goals and pick up new ones. Sometimes you can even pick up a goal you had put down a long time ago. And putting down a goal now, doesn't mean it can never be picked up again.
No comments:
Post a Comment